FunnyBone

The Commercial We Really Want To See…

GOT VALUES ????

Scene 1: A multinational CEO has just completed polluting the air we breathe, the water we drink, stolen the employees’ 401k pension fund, lied to his employees, lied on the financial reports, replaced his American workers by outsourcing cheaper labor from overseas, and lied to his consumers. He’s reaped millions from his rapings and he’s also just delivered a briefcase with a substantial monetary largesse to the Republican Party, confident that he will get away with all these activities. He flashes a milk-stained evil grin with the caption….GOT VALUES ??!!

Scene 2: A pastor has just left his private office after having done the unthinkable with an adolescent boy. He’s due to give a sermon on Republican Party family values. He flashes a milk-stained evil grin with the caption…. GOT VALUES?

Scene 3: A media mogul in control of numerous media outlets including primetime T.V., MTV, cable, film, and radio has just approved the increase usage of verbal and sexual vulgarities to increase ratings.
He attends a Christian Coalition meeting and talks about family values and how the liberal Hollywood left is responsible for America’s deplorable standards.
He later attends a FCC regulation board meeting demanding his company gains greater public access.
He’s also just sent a substantial check to the Republican Party. He flashes a milk-stained evil grin with the caption… GOT VALUES ??!!!

Scene 4: Once unrecognized small men and women, these talk radio pundits are now super stars with lucrative book deals and obnoxiously lucrative salaries. To achieve these benefits they only had to sell their soul. Now they’re the propaganda whores for the corporate neo-conservative machine, dispensing with lies as easily as they pop a pill or place a bet. They flash a milk-stained evil grin with the caption… GOT VALUES ??!!!

Scene 5: On a darkened night, somewhere on a private estate in the northern California redwoods, these same individuals gather to partake in hedonistic debauchery, dressed in drag and flirting with latent homosexuality, laughing at their genius to fake the American public. Together, they flash a milk-stained evil grin with the caption…. GOT VALUES ??!!!

Or for that matter…… GOT BIN LADEN ??!!
AH…HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MORE FUNNIES…..

2004 Republican Convention

THIS JUST IN…

Republicans celebrate at the convention. Republicans have extended their embrace to include neo-conservatives and ultra conservatives as well as right wing conservatives. The party faithful have also embraced the rich, the super rich and the filthy rich, all to be included into their ever-expanding fold.
Diverse viewpoints are welcomed as well. Gathered together on the convention floor, you have the secular “profit before people” wing of the Republican Party joining hands with the religious money worshipers as a sign of solidarity.
Dress code individuality is also a primary theme this year. Men are sporting a diverse line of dark black, dark blue and dark gray suits each with tie. As one young conventioneer, trying to be heard over the loud Pat Boone ballads shouted, “Hey, you can’t say we’re not hip!” Another young republican conventioneer added “My Mexican gardener knows someone whose black!”

THIS JUST IN…

Republican convention stimulates local economy for New Yorkers. Record sales of white bread have kept local merchants busy keeping shelves stocked with this coveted item Local Stepford Wives boutiques and Men Dark Suit Only stores have also reported record
sales.
Jimmy “The Nose” Marciano, a local proprietor, says novelty gift item FEAR In A Can and T-shirts bearing the words “Be Afraid…Be Very Afraid” are also selling well with Republican conventioneers.

THIS JUST IN…

Recent economic reports proclaim the rich are getting richer, the middle class is getting squeezed and the poor are getting poorer. Meanwhile, at the convention, Republicans laud their success at preserving traditional conservative values.
Said one rich, white Republican delegate “Hey…you can’t knock our catastrophic success!” Another rich, white Republican delegate added “The statistic that states that the richest two percent of this country own eighty percent of all of American’s wealth is categorically inaccurate. We own much more…”

THIS JUST IN…

Overzealous Bush supporters get their Party’s message wrong. A group of young Bush supporters held up signs on the convention floor that read “Four More years of Terrorism”. Republican officials quietly chastised the young men and directed them to enroll in a convention workshop sponsored by Clear Channels Communications entitled Propaganda’s Virtues and Talking Points. In defense of their mistake, a spokesman for the group said “Look.. nobody taught us how to think for ourselves.” Another young group of overzealous Bush supporters who called themselves Fascist Surfers for Bush held signs that read Rich Rule Dude and Corporations Rule Dude…Peasants Bite!
They too were quickly whisked away from public view and enrolled in the workshop.

THIS JUST IN…

To avoid further embarrassments, President Bush had to excuse himself from the convention to have his often-disjointed lexicon reprogrammed.
Embarrassing word combinations such as catastrophic success, draconian compassion for the poor, a devastating economy turnaround, a Machiavellian victory on the War on Terror and an Armageddon vision for the future were to eliminated … destroyed … exorcised … wiped out from his memory.
President Bush laughed away these misstated errors in his speech by simply adding “sometimes I do make a slip on Freud”.
This phrase too would be deleted.

THIS JUST IN…

Defining his future agenda in his election speech, President Bush said he would expand his axis of evil list to include poets, playwrights and philosophers for, in his words, “The thinking mind is a terrible thing and we must have resolve to stop it in my lifetime”.
The president went on to say that plans have already been drawn to initiate a preempted strike on the borough of Greenwich Village, the city of Santa Fe, New Mexico and the “hippie haven” enclaves along the Pacific West Coast. Strategic strikes on Grateful Dead concerts would also be considered. The president continued saying we must be vigilant to ensure tyranny triumphs over justice, war over peace and conformity over individuality.
The president later excused himself for one more round of reprogramming.

SATIRICAL MOMENTS…..

A TV ad for the rich and powerful:

“Hello, I am an ambitious, power-hungry, unscrupulous person. You may know my name. I would like to rule you, to oppress you, to control as much of the world as I can possibly obtain but I need your help. I need your apathy, your ignorance, your selfishness, your laziness but most of all…I need your MONEY!
I can not build my army, my police force, my propaganda machine and my castle without your generous support. Please feel free to subscribe to my newsletter in which well paid economists, journalists, and philosophers will reprogram your mind’s belief system so that you will believe you can not govern your life without MY HELP.
Please give all to me now! Thank you for your support.”

SATIRICAL MOMENTS:

Feel frustrated about the way your bank puts you on hold, ensuring you never get to speak to a real person. Well, here’s a sneak preview of the latest World Bank answering machine:
For slave labor in Indonesia or Taipei….Press 1
For deforestation of the Brazilian rainforest….Press 2
To speak to a spin doctor representative…please hold on….

(The next material are some satirical songs I wrote, each dealing with a different aspect of “The City Different” Santa Fe, New Mexico.)

The Artist’s Lament ‘or’ GOLD FRAME

(sung to the tune of Born Free)

Gold Frame
The art doesn’t matter
The image is in tatters
Who cares, orange goes well in my den.

Gold Frame
Good art is for the living
Realism is In
Provocative makes my head spin
I’ll pay anything for cheap tin
Oh lord, why can’t they make all art the same!

Gold Frame
The art does not matter
It should compliment my shrimp platter
Here’s to you, my dear gold frame !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AN OPENING TONIGHT


(sung to the tune of a Comedy Tonight)

Something pretentious, something appauling, something outrageous…an opening tonight!
Moochers and Clowns, Baby Boomer’s frowns,
Let’s throw a party…no more Martinelli
Something passe’, I’m full of pate, is that a forgery…an opening tonight!
Fake cowboys, well kept boy toys, glitter and glamour, oh where’s my camera
Something pretentious, I’m off the guest list, we need more hollyhocks and ceramic fish…
Hungover tomorrow…An Opening, Opening, Opening, Opening Tonight !!!!!!!!!!!

TRICULTURAL

(Sung to the tune of Matchmaker)

Tricultural, tricultural, let’s get along
Tell us a story, sing us a song
Tricultural, tricultural, let’s put on a show
To keep our tourist industry.

Now Gaspar, they say he didn’t mean it
A mass slaughter but no animosity
The cavalry rode in on their horses
But only in the name of Manifest Destiny!

Tricultural, tricultural, let’s get along
Tell us a story, sing us a song
Tricultural, tricultural, let’s put on a show
To keep our tourist industry!

*Please feel free to add your comments by filling out the ADD COMMENT / FEEDBACK below or by e-mailing me at pecoskid@juno.com…thanks!

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