“Dreams are a magical place where anything is possible.”
This sketch is entitled…
IF ONLY OUR GOVERNMENT FUNCTIONED LIKE THIS
(Or… Mr. Smith Goes To Washington)
EXT. IRS OFFICE SANTA FE – DAY
A middle-aged man, MR. SMITH walks to front entrance. He stares forlornly at IRS sign, shakes head and proceeds in.
INT. OFFICE SPARSELY DECORATED – DAY
MR. SMITH enters, sees IRS OFFICIAL sitting at desk. Smith is hesitant.
IRS OFFICIAL: Well, it says here, Mr. Smith, you owe the IRS $4000. How would you like the money to be spent?
MR. SMITH: Er, excuse me?
IRS OFFICIAL: How would you like the money to be spent?
MR. SMITH: I…I have a choice?!
IRS OFFICIAL: Of course, Mr. Smith. It’s our new Breath Of Fresh Air policy. Somebody upstairs thought it would be a good idea.
Smith still looks skeptical. Scans wall. Spots lone camera.
MR. SMITH: You sure you aren’t trying to punk me?
IRS OFFICIAL: Ha, good one. A wry sense of humor you have, Mr. Smith.
IRS official scans a long list on his table.
IRS OFFICIAL: Let’s start with money for foreign aid.
MR. SMITH: Oh, I don’t want to spend it on military aid to Israel.
IRS OFFICIAL: Really? OK.
IRS official draws a line on the list.
IRS OFFICIAL: corporate welfare?
MR. SMITH: Oh no, definitely not.
IRS OFFICIAL: How about paying the federal debt interest to the Federal Reserves’ private banks like JP Morgan Chase.
MR. SMITH: Oh no, definitely, definitely, not.
IRS OFFICIAL: Military defense. To protect our country.
MR. SMITH: Why? When our government couldn’t protect our Capitol from several 100 ex-cops and other insurrectionists! No, no money to the military or military industrial complex.
IRS OFFICIAL: Border security?
MR. SMITH: Nah, let them in. They don’t bother me. Where would our business industries be without their cheap labor. Next…
IRS OFFICIAL: Bloated bureaucracy for the sake of bloated bureaucracy?
MR. SMITH: Nope
IRS OFFICIAL: Gee, you’re making this spending of your money a bit difficult. Didn’t foresee this.
IRS official scratches his head.
IRS OFFICIAL: How about this… protecting and expanding public lands?
MR. SMITH: Oh hey, yeah, now that’s worthwhile.
IRS OFFICIAL: Oh good! Well, how about this… free college education?
MR. SMITH: Investment in our future. Hell yeah.
IRS OFFICIAL: Wow,OK, and this… universal healthcare?
MR.SMITH: Promote the general welfare. Healthy body, healthy mind. Definitely.
IRS OFFICIAL: Safety net for those less fortunate in our society?
MR. SMITH: We could all use a helping hand during tough times.
IRS OFFICIAL: Infrastructure?
MR. SMITH: Sure, but only those potholes and collapsing bridges.
IRS official starts to punch in numbers on a large calculator.
IRS OFFICIAL: Well gosh, proportionally speaking, for you to only spend for the items you want your money spent toward, your tax bill has been reduced to an adjusted total of just $200.
Mr. Smith and the IRS official shake hands. Mr. Smith turns to the audience.
MR. SMITH: Imagine if our government really acted like this!